alicia bee is still here.
i've deleted about six different sentences from this blog so far and i've had enough. but that's just like me. if i write something down on paper and a letter or a word doesn't look nice, it get's thrown out. i have about a million pieces of paper in my house that have about six words in the first line and that's about it. so a couple years down the road from now, if there ends up being a paper shortage - you'll know it was me. anyways...growing up i always wanted to document my life but it always ended with me getting caught up in ...shit. i remember vowing to myself that once i turned 19, i was going to document everyday of my life on paper. considering the fact that we are in the 21st century i ended up briefly documenting my life on the net. unfortunately, i got myself caught up in shit once again. so now im back at it, and hopefully this time it sticks.
i always write my thoughts down on paper, but never get the chance to elaborate on them. i think the most while im at work. although i appear to be on point while serving customers or speaking to employees, mentally my brain is elsewhere. it's in it's own little space. and at times, i appear to be in my own space too. some people take my blank expression as a means of me being grumpy....but little do they know my mind is moving at a million miles per hour.
bev... an older employee of mine, tells me that her son david, and his girlfriend - sarah who have both worked at my store with me for a couple of years ... are getting married. i smile ... and without any hesitation i ask "how old are they?". after our little conversation... i couldn't help but re-evaluate what was just said. i stop at "how old are they?". mental thought: sara and david are engaged. bev told me. the first thing i asked was how old they were. but love doesn't have an age. that's good. write that one down. and there it goes on the same paper my store uses for the reciepts we give to the customers. ridiculous? yes. at times between serving a customer i even go as far as jotting down a thought or two ... making it seem like i am taking a pizza order or writing something important. the minute these random thoughts enter my brain, the faster they leave with no return. so i document them... point form... scribble them down so fast... to the point where sometimes i can't even make out what i wrote.
seeing how tupac shakur lives in my bedroom... i thought it was very neccessary for me to watch tupac resurrection... for the first time. i actually read the book before i watched the movie... so for most of the movie i already knew what was going to be said next. while reading the book, a lot of things struck me to the point where i had to bookmark certain pages with strong points and opinions within the text. when you read a book and watch the movie, besides a slightly different storyline, or a twisted ending, there isn't much change. but because this is an autobiography, things like that don't change ... but your impact can... if i can even say such a thing. like i said before, the text had already struck me, but to hear those words vocally... was a total different story. it was like.. my whole life changed right before my eyes or something. i felt all weird and a bit crazy afterwards. i was in one of those 'moments' that you get into after watching a really good film.
after watching x men 3 ... i wanted to become a mutant. after watching girl, interrupted ... i wanted to be that girl... interrupted. after watching the hurricane, i wanted to be that guy who reached out to carter, wrote him all those letters. but this moment... seemed to last forever. that moment turned into a day, a week. that movie had me all kinds of fucked up. left me inspired in a way... inspired to be that person i know i should be. i always keep my thoughts to myself...thinking that people might feel the worst about my opinions. it's one thing when someone bashes facts, but when it's your own opinion.. thats when it burns. so here i am... being my own little tupac...writing my own thoughts and opinions down without any care or concern about anyones opinion. back in the day i used to think like... "if no one reads/comments my shit, why write about it?". i felt like it was an insult or something...that always rubbed me the wrong way. but now i find myself in 'i-dont-give-a-fuck' mode. i gotta keep [my] heaaaaad up and move on. cause that's what lifes all about in the end. and this is my attitude now. things are changing. im changing. and in this blog ... my 'documented life' [so to speak] ... im going to see myself progress.
[im rolling my eyes now]
whatever. let's see how long this shit lasts.
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